I wonder is there life after death? What happens when we die?
When I was young religion was taught and implemented and we grew up to learn on our own. When we see death with our own eyes, it makes me wonder what happens next... I know there are contradictions on heaven and hell and purgatory... But what really happens? I guess no one knows...
Today I was there when a dear patient of mine took her last breath. She looked so peaceful but when I looked around me and everyone asked me, "Is she gone?", I knew she was but I didn't want to be the one to break it to them, but they looked as if they needed someone to confirm and reassure them and so I had no choice but to check if she really was gone. She wasn't breathing but there was still a heartbeat, as if letting us all know that she is at peace. It was nice to see that peaceful look on her, as if she was just sleeping, but reality hit me straight in the face when tears started falling and everyone around me was crying as well. I cried and thought how could I be so selfish and think that whatever problems we have at the moment is bad when this family has suffered two tragedies in 24 hours. Yes you read right, you see 24 hours ago her own daughter died as well, who battled through a brain tumor, and is finally at peace and pain free as well. A mother and a daughter. I know that they are happy now like what the priest said, it is them who are happy for they feel no more pain, it is us who are not because we can still feel pain and suffering. I feel for the son who took care of her for 21 years, now what has he got? He even joked about it and asked us all, "well, who next?"... It is during this time that i feel hurt for him, he looked calm but I know deep inside him he is broken and I know it will hurt for a long time.
I came into this line of work because I had no choice at first but I came to love it. We, the carers aren't supposed to get too personal with the patients, but then again if we don't, then we don't deserve to be called "carers"... I never thought I'd do this kind of job because caring for the elderly is exhausting and along the way we have to accept that they won't live long. I graduated in Physical therapy because I loved the feeling of watching and helping someone go through rehab and rebuild their lives again, in short there was hope and there is hope for those people. But coming into the "caring" business is more rewarding, that smile that they give you when they see you coming, those banters between the two of you, the pulling of my hair when sit and listen when they have something to say, the pinching of my nose and me making faces and asking them why don't they do it to themselves :) , all the "gala- galas" in world, the kiss goodnight and the hope to see you tomorrow moments and the same ritual every time I go to their houses... I guess I never really thought I'd feel this way, that I would care this much, but I guess it is also the down side of things. Because when you care too much, you get hurt a lot.
But deep in my heart I know I have somehow made their little time left in this world a memorable time... I have come into their lives, not just to get them up in the mornings or put them to bed at night but I would like to think that I brought some love with me every time I saw them...
Now the question is, who will pull my hair and pinch my nose now Brigid? :(
I miss you already and I do not know what to do with the rest of the week when I supposed to be with you.. But at least now you get to be painfree and most especially you get to be with Anne... You will always be missed my little rockstar...
