sunshine on this rainy day

a conversation that brightened up my day... just one of those days when i get to talk with my alter ego about life and the ups and downs of life itself :)



BUZZ!!!
polen_angel21: =))
karen madrid: nag cr
polen_angel21: =))
karen madrid: hintayin pa kita sa monday bago ako magpa book?
polen_angel21: kaya pala may naamoy ako eh
karen madrid: ahaha, ihi lang yun grabe ka
karen madrid: sabagay umutot din pala ako
karen madrid: hahahaha
polen_angel21: :))
polen_angel21: picturan ko nails ko maya
polen_angel21: tag kita
karen madrid: uu may weefee nmn maya sa bahay. sana lang maging friendly yung neighbor namin
karen madrid: susunduin ako ni tito bharl dito sa office kasi hindi ko keri mga dala ko, masakit ang rayuma ko hahahaha
polen_angel21: nyahahahahah ndi mo dalhin ung bag  eh d hila lng nman un
karen madrid: madudumihan ang gulong
karen madrid: nilinisan ko na eh
polen_angel21: kahit bgay mo na sa ate mo ung isang flowery na dress
karen madrid: feeling ko nga hihingin nya kaya hindi ko dadalhin
polen_angel21: gaga ibigay mo na
polen_angel21: marami ka pa nman sa box eh
karen madrid: susuotin ko muna waaaaa.. isa lng  hahaha
karen madrid: cge na nga dalhin ko na
polen_angel21: wag ung red!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
polen_angel21: WAG UNG REDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
karen madrid:
polen_angel21: sbihin mo kukunin ko pa syo un kpag pumayat ako
polen_angel21:  =))
karen madrid: oo hindi, iiwan ko dito sken
karen madrid: =))
polen_angel21: sayang kc ndi nabitbit ung iba pero dbale
polen_angel21: mga sept or oct magpapabox ako
polen_angel21: *crossing fingers*
polen_angel21: nawento ko ba syo?
karen madrid: na????
polen_angel21: nakakausap ko c ******
polen_angel21: tinanong ko about s ******
karen madrid: o tapos?
polen_angel21: tapos tsaka ko na wento
polen_angel21: =))
polen_angel21: bitin much?
karen madrid: adik ka waaaaaa!!!!!!
polen_angel21: =))
karen madrid: cge na!!!!!!
karen madrid: waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
polen_angel21: nyahahahaha

polen_angel21: kahit papanu inaabutan ako ni Lord ng pampagising
polen_angel21: mnsan nga lam mo nagdodoubt nko
polen_angel21: kc sobra sobra ang dumating smin eh
polen_angel21: ung tipong kakatapos lng ng isa
polen_angel21: may isa na agad na sunod
polen_angel21: pahinga nman pwede
karen madrid: nasosolve nmn eh diba? so why doubt?
polen_angel21: ung tipong give us a few months to stand up again before knocking us out again
polen_angel21: kc nga kapag andun ka na s time na un feeling mo
polen_angel21: theres no other way out
polen_angel21: nyahahahaha
polen_angel21: isa lng ang exit
polen_angel21: and the exit is through a ring of fire
karen madrid: ahaha, ang dramatic nmn nung exit mo
polen_angel21: =))
karen madrid: at least ang graceful ng exit diba??
karen madrid: hahahaha
polen_angel21: ung exit door mismo ang ring of fire
polen_angel21: kaya lng pagka exit mo there's more to come sbi ng sign
karen madrid: parang circus lang ahh
polen_angel21: oo ung laro s family computer nun
karen madrid: e syempre yun yung tinatawag na "exhibitions"
karen madrid: talagang bongga yun!
polen_angel21: nakaexit nko
polen_angel21: andito nko s mas matinding level ng exhibitions
polen_angel21: buti nlng anjan ka
polen_angel21: may sideshow
karen madrid: nyahahaha! may side show pag nasusunog costume mo
karen madrid: hahahahaah
polen_angel21: o db mas simple buhay s pinas
polen_angel21: kc kahit mahirap
karen madrid: ang baba ng level ko ahh  pero ok lang,i have my own show nmn .. tas ikaw ang sideshow dun
polen_angel21: kaya nmana ng hirap
polen_angel21: nyahahahahaha
polen_angel21: i guess each of us have a different show in our lives
polen_angel21: but there will always be someone who will be ur sideshow
polen_angel21: and give u moral support if the show gets out of hand
karen madrid: of courseIm willing to set my FAME aside para mag sideshow sayo
polen_angel21: =))
karen madrid:  =))
polen_angel21: anu ka ba eh sideshow nman ako s show mo
polen_angel21: double sikat ntin dito
karen madrid: may time din nmn na nakawan ng spotlight , at ito yun
karen madrid: panira lng ng moment
polen_angel21: so far ndi mo pa nman ninanakaw spotlight ko eh
polen_angel21: baka ndi mo kayanin ang show
karen madrid: ninakaw ko lang, hindi mo lang alam
karen madrid: ako sa simula, yung exhibition sayo na
polen_angel21: =))
polen_angel21: iba ang nagnanakaw ng spotlight stin
karen madrid: ahahaha! sinooooooooooooo???????
polen_angel21: >:)
polen_angel21: isipin mo nlng kelangan ntin ng kontrabida s show kung ndi
polen_angel21: masyadong lame ang show ng buhay ntin
karen madrid: pwede nmn na tayo tayo na lang magkontrabidahn sa mga show natin, at least mapapatawad natin ang each other,

what will i ever do without you my beloved yaya :) i love you to the bones :)

Dear nanay,

I will surely miss your smile...

The sound of your laughter...

Yung mga lambing mo na papabili ng prutas...

I already miss the sound of your voice...

Kahit na malaki nko nung nagkita ulit tyo nila tatay, you welcomed us with arms wide open...

Kahit na anu pang sabihin nila, you have always been good to us...

Ikaw lng nay at c tatay ang nagpapalakas ng loob namin dito...

Kayo lng ang dahilan bakit kme umuuwi jan...

Lam ko alam mo kung gaano ko kagusto umuwi at alam ko naiintindihan mo ako...

Sorry ha ndi ko natupad last wish mo...

Ang umuwi kami lahat jan...

Pero anjan naman c mama eh... alam ko na alam mo na lahat ng nangyayari ngayon...

Kaw na bahala sa amin ha nay... 

Wag ka magaalala nding ndi namin pababayaan c tatay promise yan...

Alam ko nagaalala ka para sa kanya but be assured, mama will surely take care of him... alam mo rin yan...

At least ngayon wala ka ng nararamdaman na sakit... pahinga ka na... antayin mo kme jan ha... magkikita din tyo ulit... at alam ko na susunod na pagkikita ntin, you will still welcome us with arms wide open...

Miss na kita ngyn pa lng... ang sakit sa loob ko na wala kme ni bouying jan ngyn... pro alam mo na ang reason... sila bouying nay uuwi jan next month... bisitahin ka nlng nila... alam ko naiintindihan mo nman eh...

 I love you nay... lam mo yan... sana kahit papanu napasaya ka namin at si tatay... Sige na nay mahaba na toh... bsta usap nlng tyo... ok lng bisitahin mo ako dami ko gusto sabihin syo eh... secret ntin gaya ng dati...

Sa muling pagkikita...

<3,

Tata

fight or flight response

fight or flight response is the body's way of coping when something bad is happening...

then what is the heart's way of coping when someone has hurt you?

just a question...

they say time will heal everything but whoever came up with that cliche is lying...

you never forget but the pain does ease up...

then you become wary of trusting someone new that comes your way...

but the heart needs love so we trust again...

but then, get hurt again...

we are all masochist in my opinion...

we live for the pain...

*just noticed saved as draft but never published since 2011* :p

Hanging on the edge of life itself...

What seemed true is really just an illusion...

What ever the feeling was, is really just a lie...

How do I know that everytime you hold me,

You are not thinking of her...

How do I know that everytime you kiss me,

You are not thinking of her...

Words are your specialty...

Oh how you made me believe them...

Oh if only words could suffice for everything else...

Hanging on the edge...

One more step and I am about to break...

One more lie and I know I will find myself at the bottom of the abyss called PAIN...

time travel...

 These past couple of months, naisip ko, sana may time travel machine at babalik ako sa pagkabata... 

Simple lang ang buhay dati, laro, kain at tulog lang... Ang mga problema gaya ng bawal lumabas pagsapit ng alas sais ay napakalaki na noon... Hindi man lang sumagi sa isip ko na kapag malaki ka na pala mas malala pa ang problema...

Paglaki ng isang tao, mas malaki na ang responsibilidad at problema...

Minsan nais ko ibalik ang mga panahon noong ako'y bata pa at nais kong wag ng lumaki pa...

Sa mga panahon ngayon gusto kong tumakas at magpakalayo sa aking kinatatayuan... Ang hirap pala... Parang gusto ko ng mag give up... Wala na akong lakas para lumaban pa...

Sana may time travel na machine nga... 

black saturday

I wonder is there life after death? What happens when we die? 

When I was young religion was taught and implemented and we grew up to learn on our own. When we see death with our own eyes, it makes me wonder what happens next... I know there are contradictions on heaven and hell and purgatory... But what really happens? I guess no one knows...

Today I was there when a dear patient of mine took her last breath. She looked so peaceful but when I looked around me and everyone asked me, "Is she gone?", I knew she was but I didn't want to be the one to break it to them, but they looked as if they needed someone to confirm and reassure them and so I had no choice but to check if she really was gone. She wasn't breathing but there was still a heartbeat, as if letting us all know that she is at peace. It was nice to see that peaceful look on her, as if she was just sleeping, but reality hit me straight in the face when tears started falling and everyone around me was crying as well. I cried and thought how could I be so selfish and think that whatever problems we have at the moment is bad when this family has suffered two tragedies in 24 hours. Yes you read right, you see 24 hours ago her own daughter died as well, who battled through a brain tumor, and is finally at peace and pain free as well. A mother and a daughter. I know that they are happy now like what the priest said, it is them who are happy for they feel no more pain, it is us who are not because we can still feel pain and suffering. I feel for the son who took care of her for 21 years, now what has he got? He even joked about it and asked us all, "well, who next?"... It is during this time that i feel hurt for him, he looked calm but I know deep inside him he is broken and I know it will hurt for a long time.

I came into this line of work because I had no choice at first but I came to love it. We, the carers aren't supposed to get too personal with the patients, but then again if we don't, then we don't deserve to be called "carers"... I never thought I'd do this kind of job because caring for the elderly is exhausting and along the way we have to accept that they won't live long. I graduated in Physical therapy because I loved the feeling of watching and helping someone go through rehab and rebuild their lives again, in short there was hope and there is hope for those people. But coming into the "caring" business is more rewarding, that smile that they give you when they see you coming, those banters between the two of you, the pulling of my hair when sit and listen when they have something to say, the pinching of my nose and me making faces and asking them why don't they do it to themselves :) , all the "gala- galas" in world, the kiss goodnight and the hope to see you tomorrow moments and the same ritual every time I go to their houses... I guess I never really thought I'd feel this way, that I would care this much, but I guess it is also the down side of things. Because when you care too much, you get hurt a lot.

But deep in my heart I know I have somehow made their little time left in this world a memorable time... I have come into their lives, not just to get them up in the mornings or put them to bed at night but I would like to think that I brought some love with me every time I saw them...

Now the question is, who will pull my hair and pinch my nose now Brigid? :( 

I miss you already and I do not know what to do with the rest of the week when I supposed to be with you.. But at least now you get to be painfree and most especially you get to be with Anne... You will always be missed my little rockstar...

vortex...

life at the moment is playing it's tricks on me... 

it is sucking me into the vortex of the unknown and it is draining my energy to fight..

i am clutching to a thin thread right now...

any day now i just know that the thread will break and i will fall right into the middle of that vortex..

the vortex of the unknown...